I am not particularly artistic or poetic
But my brain is quite frenetic
If I don’t put down on paper
What is coming through my head,
It goes round and round, and round
And it makes me to forget….
The shopping I had to get
…the things I had to do……
I can’t remember what or with who…

It is just a fact of life
That I am a crappy housewife,
And I have to admit
It scares me to say
That I am a middle age, middleclass
Housewife anyway.

But for my revolutionary younger self
That was never my intention
I had drive and ambition…
And naivety, not to mention.

So I got to this age wanting to…
But not quite yet fulfilling my potential
Looking back in time I realise…
I was missing something quite essential

Now… this will sound very silly,
But it is the absolute truth
What I was missing was a willy.
And I can even tell it to my Nan,
Boy…! The choices I would have had
Had I been a man.

But don’t be fooled, my years
Have not been wasted.
I have worked hard
Although it has to be said
That for my work
I have not been paid
I have learned and learned
I’ve had many hours to reason and think
While multitasking at the kitchen sink.

So to all the important and powerful men,
Those directors and CEOs
With their names written
In a plaque of brass
Behind their desks
Comfortably sitting on their ass…
I would say
You might think yourselves
More important than I am
After all I have only been a mum
But come and take my place for a week
See if at the end you would not weep.

Come and look after screaming babies,
Carry around wiggly, unruly toddlers
Make it snappy, change that stinking nappy
With the older ones have ready the tissues
For when they are heartbroken
With friendship issues.
Put up with an unruly teenager
This is not a wager.
Clean the house, cook, do the shopping
Washing and ironing.
And remember little Jonny needs dropping.
And don’t think they are taking the piss
When they absolutely expect you to know
All the time where everything is.
Make sure you don’t forget
You have to take the dog to the vet.
And at every moment, every chance
Take control of the dwindling finance.

And when you are exhausted
And you think your bones
Are about to shatter
Get ready for the next part of the matter.
Get on with the bloody diet!!

Your husband/partner is coming home
And your heart should be a flutter
He expects everything to be hunky dory
His dinner, his slippers and
A greeting from his per dog  Rory
An in their ignorant blessed head
You have probably spent the whole day in bed
Ant they cannot comprehend
Why it drives you round the bend
When they ask in a casual, but pointed way
What have you been doing
With yourself all day?

But don’t lose your cool, don’t get vexy
Remember you are supposed to be sexy
Being a housewife/househusband
It is not a doddle
If you think you might be
Exchanged for a newer model.

So please, come and take my place,
Don’t forget to bring some pills,
Because in two or three days
You’ll be running for her hills.
So after this, when you go home from work
You will understand and be grateful
That your wife or partner
Instead of going for your throat and throttle
Just has taken one or two sips from a bottle.

So when I assess again my life
I’ve might have been silly
I come to realise that to fulfil my potential
I don’t really need a willy.
That is thinking like a pansy
After all I can borrow one anytime a fancy
What I have come to realise
Is that… what is missing in my life
Is a secretary and a wife.

But don’t despair….this is not the end
Yes, I got older but also wiser and bolder.
Domestic life is easier
The kids have flown the nest and
I can easily cope with the rest.
But I am no fool.
My mother said when she rang:
“Do you realise those kids are boomerang?”
But when they return they will be welcome
Although they might get a shock
Because I won’t be doing their ironing
And won’t find their bloody socks.

This is now my time
And although I am on the wrong side of 50
I am telling you pet
I am still quite nifty
And let’s not forget you are not over the hill,
If you have not got to the top yet.

So that is settled I am starting my own business
And I’ll make sufficient money
Not to bother with the housework ballony
And the good thing about being this age
Is that my husband will soon retire.
I will be going off to work, in my smart attire,
While he can stay at home and do the
Housework that I require.

The moral of the story is:
Don’t give up on your desire,
Because such is life
That in the end, I might even
Get myself a wife.